Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

he chose this

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.