Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.