Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.