Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?