If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
You Might Also Like
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*