if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.