Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it