Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…