If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.