Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever