If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula