Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.