Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Some of y’all tomorrow …

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

At least try to make it slightly believable

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.