Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm