Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder