Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

I have two kinds of followers

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.