Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

hey, alexa

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said