[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now