Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”