If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
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There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
getting seasonal up in here
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.