If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
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Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
bad
worse
worst
worchester
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
🙅🏻
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Just did a big green poo by a canal
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Fun Things
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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