If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I would move hell over six inches for you
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.