If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
They’re the worst 😩
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store