If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
You Might Also Like
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
#winning
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal