If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Sticker placement is key.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Story time
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.