@TwatWaffler69

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

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@FredTaming

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

@LorieGZ

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

@ryangriffiths

CAPS LOCK ON

caps lock off

CAPS LOCK ON

caps lock off

– Mr Miyagi [2014]

@PhoenixRises69

Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.

I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.

@dubstep4dads

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

@Darlainky

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

@GeorgiaSweet20

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

@mountainlex

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

@baronvonbike

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.