Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.