[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
You Might Also Like
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.