Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

Two
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Four
Tell the people what she wore…

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.