If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.