If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My birthstone is pecan pie.