Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra