Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love modern commerce

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”