If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
We have a winner.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
She was rare, like a goth carolling.