Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

fired

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.