If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!