If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Mapping America’s Far Right
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information