If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition