If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

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“I don’t believe in hyperbole,” she said while consuming an entire horse.


I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?


DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry


Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.


TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍


Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”


If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.


Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.


Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.