@LivibelsDada

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

You Might Also Like

@novicefather

“I don’t believe in hyperbole,” she said while consuming an entire horse.

@cajones113

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

@jonnysun

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

@cravin4

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

@figgled

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

@IamEnidColeslaw

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

@_Water_Baby

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

@JohnLyonTweets

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.