If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
finally
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
thoughts?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know