Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Reminder:

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”