Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?