If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
😎 🍻
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.