[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.