[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Dear Lord..
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
this is uni
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.