Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.