Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

Its true…

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

When your best mate counts as a desk too

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.