Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”