Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.