If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
my favorite genre of twitter
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …