If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
phew
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: