Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.