If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
