If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
You Might Also Like
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv