If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
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a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
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me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.