If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
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why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
you’re so productive for your wage
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.