If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.