Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]