Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH