Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Wedding planning is organized crime.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?