Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

i want it utterly assaulted.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

White Castle for the Win

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst