Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.