Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Tremendous stuff

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick