If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.