If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Can’t, holding a grudge
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.