If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
You Might Also Like
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…