Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔