If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
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Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”