if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.