if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
m’lady
