If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.