If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
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[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Only short people can save us
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
*Seductively hides in the woods
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits