@DirtMcTurd

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

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@StoferComic

My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, “That’s a strange color for a tree.”

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@VenisVal

Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!

@LoveNLunchmeat

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

@XAIMMadellynne

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

@bobbiejo448

Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.

@girlnarly

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

@angibangie

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?