If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

You Might Also Like


My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, “That’s a strange color for a tree.”


I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁


Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!


I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.


[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it


I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!


My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.


Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.


me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life


I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?