If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
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I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.