Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

real

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.