Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.