If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
they really do be looking like this
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe